“Technically this true,” additional commissioner for Departmental Persuasion, agreed. He agreed that this ought to be a job for no one. But he had a job to do. He had a circular from the Ministry of Political Affairs. He did not want to fail in his job and be transferred as the Officer-on-Special Duty to the Mine Controller of Bamfak, Arunachal Pradesh. So he cleared this throat and began again, “ You See Mr. Balasubrahmaniam, it is like this. You don’t have to do this job, this much both of us agree. You job is authorizing the conversion of water to waste water. In fact, for the sake of both our grand children, I hope no one has to do this job.”
Then he paused and observed with some satisfaction the positive response his mention of grandchildren evoked in the other man. Then he continued, “You see, but we have a small problem. See, the man properly in charge, Mr. Priyadarshan Singh is in suspension. He is being put under an enquiry by the Ministry of Prolonged and Pointless Enquiries for the failure to comply with circular 12.1345.98.”
Then both shared a knowing laugh at the poor old sod’s misfortune. They both knew it was bad news not to comply with the dreaded 12.1345.98. His case is under further consideration. By the time they are done, the old chap will be ready to retire.”
“But technically, as you very well know as a good Hindu chap yourself, blood is a very impure thing. And technically it also falls under your department. In fact the clarification letter number RR123IdiOT to the original law said this. Look”
He extended a photocopied page of a yellowing letter and Mr. Balasubrahmaniam went pale. His powder blue safari suit reflected the pale face with great aplomb. He knew his case was hopeless. He took a crumbled handkerchief from the pocket and wiped his forehead with great care. The visitor looked at this and said nothing. He used the time to comb his comb over for greater coverage.
“So this is what the ministry would like you to do. We will deliver bodies of political assassinations to your department at 3 AM. You will take charge of them and neatly place them on the train tracks near Sealdah. After the Utter-Paschim express passes by, we will notify the Autopsy Prevention Board and their people will take of the rest.”
“But 2 AM? I am an old man.” Cried Mr. Dasgupta.
“We know Mr. Balasubrahmaniam. We know. The minister sends his personal condolences. You see, we wanted an old hand like you, a battle tested warrior,” having surveyed the effective pause again, the visitor continued, “ Next week a very important person is thinking of meeting an accidental death on the tracks. We didn’t want the pesky reporters creating trouble. We know you will do the needful. I am leaving your this top secret memo for your perusal.”
Mr. Balasubrahmaniam instantly realized the gravity. After all, democracy is such a tricky business.
The visitor loudly slurped his tea and then slowly left.
Mr. Balasubrahmaniam read the memo very carefully. First to understand the text and then to see if there are any technical reasons, which would allow him to get out of the mess.
No.006x/VGL/1017mf
Government of Hindistan
Central Political Activity Vigilance Commission
*****
Merthod Bhawan, Block-Y,
GPM Complex, INSA,
New Delhi-110025
Dated the 22nd November, 2006
Circular no.400/13/06
Sub: Improving political transparency by leveraging rail technology: Increasing
transparency through effective use of rail tracks in discharge of political dead bodies, enforcement and other functions of body disposal using Govt. and semi-government organizations.
Dear Sir,
The Commission has been receiving a large number of complaints about
inordinate delays and arbitrariness in the processing and issue of licenses,
permissions, recognitions, various types of clearances, no objection certificates,
by various Govt. organizations when it comes to the speedy disposal of rail accident victims of political nature. Commission notes with great displeasure that the said persons who commit suicide by jumping in front of trains right after expressing unpopular political opinions do not choose the same spot to commit these heinous acts of cowardice. Majority of these complaints pertain to delays
and non-adherence to the process already laid out.
Taking this into account the commission orders that all the rail suicide victims be brought to the same spot in a pre-dead condition and be placed on the tracks with their necks on the right side of the track for speedy assistance. This would enable all the government and semi-government agencies to coordinate their activities.
In keeping with the respectful manner this republic serves its people, it is also important to prevent autopsies and other unnecessary police procedures on this process to enable the families to move on with their lives. The Minister of Grief will be required to announce Rs. 5 Lakhs (Five Lakhs only) compensation towards the families.
Instructions at para above shall take effect from 1st January 2007. All Heads of
Organizations/Deptts. are advised to get personally involved in the implementation of these important measures. They should arrange close monitoring of the progress in order to ensure that this done in a user-friendly manner before the expiry of the abovementioned deadlines.
They should later ensure that the information is updated regularly to all the appropriate persons.
This issues with the approval of the Commission.
(Bhayanak Singh)
Addl. Secretary
To,
1. The Secretaries of all Ministries/Departments of Govt. of Hindistan.
2. The Chief Secretaries to all Union Territories.
3. The Comptroller & Auditor General of Hindistan.
4. The Chairman, Union Public Service Commission.
5. The Chief Executive of Water Waste Water Authority
6. Joint Controller to the Autopsy Prevention Board
Mr. Balasubrahmaniam sat there silently and wept. He did not want to get up at 2 AM every day for this job. Then he suddenly saw something that lit up his whole face. Commissioner for Departmental Persuasion and Department of Body Disposal were not copied on the circular. This was clearly against the rules and highly irregular.
So he sat down and began writing a long memo to the concerned organizations.
