There is no treatment for this madness. But madness appears ike an outbreak of water-borne disease when you lease expect it. Vargas Llosa writes that, "The fact that man is master of destiny does not mean, of course, that all men choose their lives under equal conditions, among equivalent options." Often we do not choose well, and then we spend all the time trying to justify choices. I am dreading the trip back to Europe. I am too tired and ill to make this trip. Yet, I am forced to go.
To suffer from all the maladies of the place. Extraordinary pathologies. After-work drinks. More events missed than attended. Regrets for missed events. Tiredness from attending events. More apologies, offered and accepted? Cross purposes and clever words. Smoke screens.
Will there ever be a truce? A normal moment?
Yet there is an attraction to this job and place I cannot fathom. May be I can rationalize, but why? Rumi says:
"The chess master says nothing,
other than moving the silent chess piece.
That I am part of the ploys
of this game makes me
amazingly happy."
I keep on trying to make sense of things that have no sense. Endless meetings. Addiction to espresso. Palace coup. "You're not mad enough. You don't belong in this house."
Should I trade this in for a sedantary job in California? A job that involves no more than an occational trip? I am never sure.
The light is begining to fade outside. I haven't packed. I hear rustling of the branches outside and the chattering of dry loose leaves. I haven't had lunch yet and the sun is already going down.
This is what I get for sleeping in the afternoon. My eyes are burning. I was trying to listen to Milhaud's La Création du monde. Then fell alseep right on my chair.
Tonight I shall dream of hissing oranges.
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(The title, in case anyone is wondering, is from the Spanish original written by Osvaldo Farrés of the song "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps" made famous recently because of its use as the title song for the BBC serial "Coupling.")
